11 reasons why I am the WORST Mum

These reason are mostly according to my fourth daughter, Miss 4. However you will see that some reasons are supported by all my children. And even me.

Sometimes I like to bemoan with her about her poor luck in her mother, and offer her options for other Mums. So far she has only requested my older sister and I totally get that, so I wasn’t hurt.

When she’s really done with things she actually says “You are the WORST Mum”. Usually I agree.

1. I will not give her money to buy a fish to put in the fish tank her Dad brought her and sent over to my house to populate. I am not good at keeping fish alive (even thought I am a marine biologist) and don’t know how to talk to them in the same way I do to things that are furry or feathered. And further to this, Even though we have 2 dogs, a cat, 2 chickens, 2 rabbits and 8 chooks I will not let them get another kitten or puppy. Or fish.

2. On numerous occasions I have started backing out of the driveway before she has put on her seatbelt. Even though previous to me reversing we have been stationary in the car in the driveway for 15 minutes whilst we put on seatbelts.

3. Some days I let them have pancakes for breakfast with Nutella, giant marshmallows and ice-cream. On the same days I say things like “No you can not have ice-cream and Nutella and marshmallows for dessert. That would be ridiculous”. I think the appropriate parenting shame word is inconsistent.

4. I named her Juno instead of Zoe. And now her best friend at kindy is called Zoe so that name is taken.

5. I only do school drop off twice a week and school pickup NEVER. I am gleeful about these low numbers and they can not understand why I begrudge 40 minutes of time in the car, parking, walking to classrooms, waiting, trying not to look at my phone, walking to the car, driving, getting stuck in school traffic even though we only live one block from the school (but in between three schools).

6. I like Jason Derulo “Want you to want me” and play it loudly in the car and sing falsetto.

7. I never cook anything she likes. I never cook. I don’t cook as good as our au pair. I don’t cook as good as her Dad or her aunty (the one she has requested to be her Mum). I’m not going to tell you here that I do cook and that I’m quite a good cook because it would be hard to prove lately with all the cooking our au pair does, and I am not competitive about some things (cooking and school drop offs to start with)

8. I make them go to bed at bed-time and get really mad if they come out EVER. By the fourth time of coming out I have banned all treats, dessert, money, fun, everything. I have this thing where I reckon by bedtime you get to stop being a Mum for the night. Unfortunately this starts about 6.30pm for me and the first round of bedtime in this house is 7pm. I know. The worst.

9. Last week when we had peas and corn for dinner I remembered a meme I saw on Facebook. So then, it just happened that I said “we’re having porn for dinner” and then when Miss 6 asked what that was I said “ask your teacher”. My biggest girl stared at me with shock. There were a lot of “porn” references for the rest of the meal. And snickering. Even though they don’t know what that word means. Until I took parental responsibility and told them it was the same as the f-word and they had best never say it again.

10. I let them listen to the song “I’m an Albatroaz” but then banned it when Miss 4 made up her own song with the f-word in it.

11. I like to take photos or videos of tantrums and share them on social media. Just so other people understand. Or I remember that I did not make it up.

12. And because I am the worst and cannot count number 11 plus 1 is – Sometimes I say “no”. The worst. Ever. Especially if it involves Nutella. Or the Ipad. Or fish.

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