Dodging bullets and riding catapults
I know I dodged a soul-destroying bullet when he left. I didn’t dodge it entirely because for a bit there I felt destroyed, but not what more time with him and his messed-upness (and my acceptance of the messed-upness) would have cost me. Many times I said I would not give him another thought or any more of me, and yet as time has gone on my appreciation for him leaving has grown and grown (especially when I know he is still doing the same shit to the next person) and I want to thank him for shoving my (at the time) lame (and scared) ass on the world’s biggest catapult to more than I could have ever imagined.
And one year ago I would not have understood exactly how grateful I would be. And so I’m writing this for all the me-one-year-ago’s. You know who you are. I’m writing this for you because I promise it can be OK and every time someone tells you it will be you don’t have to hate them. You don’t have to. You can bury your head and cry some more and hate and hurt and dream of revenge and turn yourself inside out and starve and suffer and get bitter and twisted and close your heart to any possibility. Or not.
And I would say NOT. DON’T. Don’t give that person another speck of your soul. And whatever needs to happen for you to breath for yourself again DO THAT. I’m not saying it won’t take time. I’m not saying that during that time some of those other things won’t happen. But you need to grab all the future possibilities with both hands and make them happen, because there isn’t any of the future to be had in the whys and the why nots. Or the what could have beens.
What did I learn? That sometimes someone is everything to you you thought they were, but the way it gets delivered is not in that way you planned. Or hoped. Or dreamed. He gave me freedom. He gave me such a shake up that I found a solid foundation. He gave me at least 2 years of my life that I would have kept putting up with how it was (and worse how it wasn’t) before I would have finally stepped clear of him and walked away. TWO YEARS. I reckon I would have done it for TWO MORE YEARS because I believed in love, and family and truth and the inherent good in people. And most people are inherently good. But not him, not for me.
So my soul didn’t get destroyed. Not even a little bit. It got set free. And I did that. I chose freedom to be what it would mean and in that I saved myself. And was catapulted to this place that is almost unrecognisable. And just over a year ago I wrote about epic possibilities. Even a year ago I knew.
So don’t wait a year or two to start. Do whatever you need to do to save yourself. To pull yourself clear of everything it isn’t and see everything it is. Take as long as you need but don’t take too long. The world is waiting for you.