Hardly strong

I woke up smiling this morning.

Now that’s been a while coming. I’m not sure what has happened specifically for today to be the day I am smiling upon waking again, most likely it’s a combination of many things that has allowed ok-ness to be mine.

There are various levels of OK.

I’ve been using the “yeh (pause) I’m doing OK” to most requests about how I am for a few weeks now (unless I’ve just had a coffee or (that one time I took) post operative medication and then I’m like all chirpy and loud “REALLY OK – ACTUALLY GOOD. I’m REALLY GOOD” but it’s as long lasting as caffeine without a good breakfast), but today I’m like the kind of OK where it resonates from your core, the kind of OK that starts from the inside and doesn’t require a pause of contemplation to check if it’s true. It’s just true.

And the combination of things that have gotten me here?

I have pink hair.
I am taking three quarters of my daughters on a week-long road trip/holiday tomorrow and I’ve NEVER done that before just that combination of us.
It’s holiday time.
I had a food idea on Friday night and brought & made something yum for my friends to eat, and that’s the first time in about 4 months that I felt like buying and making food and enjoyed eating it (comfort starving isn’t really that comforting!!).
We had a hilarious conversation about the “number” of men in our histories and I was pleasantly surprised to be slightly excited about adding to the number in the future (instead of wanting to vomit at the thought of dating). My number confirmed I am above average in my circle, and as I am competitive I was quite chuffed about this. Don’t judge me. And please don’t tell Jehovah.

Ummm…what else? That was a bit distracting….

I took hot cross buns to my sisters’ as my contribution to the BBQ dinner. Due to the lack of BBQ mojo we had risotto instead, and the hot cross buns for dessert.
I then had hot cross buns and coffee for breakfast at my house with my friends and my biggest girl today.
I packed for holidays.
I have new turquoise sheets on my bed and a new pair of super skinny jeans (comfort starving is very effective for dropping a size from skinny to super skinny). I don’t have an eating disorder, and I don’t endorse not eating. I’m just being honest and now I am tasting food again I can talk about it.
I had a coaching session on Friday before the food/number of men thing, and tears leaked out of my eyes the whole time, and I wanted my coach to give me the answers, but wisely she just left me to it and in the last 5 minutes (when I think both she and I thought perhaps I’d just have to stew on that crap for another month), it all became clear and I found my strength (resonating from my core like ok-ness) and I knew what to do.

See, it feels like I haven’t been alive in my own body. Like getting from the crappy start of the day to the end of the day is all there is. By the end of the day I feel OK again or even good, but mostly relieved because it’s done and I made it through, not because of all the things that were great about that day.
I had “body mapping” done during the week by an amazing lady who could read and draw the messages of my body through my posture. She told me there was hardness in me, and I felt a bit shitty at that. I know what she means, which is why I didn’t want to acknowledge it, but the hardness is my survival mechanism – the way I pick up all the pieces of myself and my family and try to get to the next step. The problem is I’ve been motivating myself by trying to get away from what happened, not by moving towards what I want. What happened is following me all the way. Stuck to me by my desire not to accept it is as it’s meant to be. Stuck like soft bits of Velcro to the spiky bit of hardness.

What I found on Friday was strength, which is not hard but is strong. And has pink hair.

walk inside your story

 

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